Everything Boils Down to Money and Therefore Stress.

Life is hard with a chronic illness, with a disability that you can not simply work at to fix. I'm trying to be positive all the time and trying every avenue that I can. I have not written a post in quite some time as I've really been working my a** off trying. I was hoping to write something more uplifting but nothing has panned out yet. So much has been happening in my personal life it has been hard. Most of all my dad has been very sick in the hospital for over a year and constantly on the brink.

Having problems with your heart rate, adrenaline and blood pressure, makes life difficult. Adding stress to it, makes it hell. I'm trying to do everything I can to "calm down" and "de-stress" but sometimes I just can't. I can never fully calm down my body with my disorder but I'm working on the mental aspect.

Mostly all stress leads back to money problems in some way or another. Pretty much every aspect of life leads to this issue in one way. The lack of funds in my bank account, is so hard.

On disability I am given $1172 a month, including a special diet fund I receive to help with my hypertension.


ROOF OVER MY HEAD.
I was trying to look at getting the cheapest mortgage on the planet. My rent is too high and becoming unaffordable. Seriously so under $75 000 and then I was even looking at a place at $45 000. There are only a few in Southern Ontario aside from in Sarnia and Windsor. I'd still have to commute for ages to my doctors but I just want something. Honestly it has taken months of trying. Sending millions of pieces of paper and getting everyone under the sun to verify things. I was looking for a place that was dirt cheap. It would be way less money than I pay in rent but was repeatedly denied it because my income "doesn't count as income", even with a permanent disability letter from my neurologist. I constantly feel in my country that if you are disabled, you are not treated humanly. I can't figure out a way to work right now, so what am I suppose to do. I also have the best credit in the world and don't live above my means for the most part. I want a way out. I had to look to others for a downpayment embarrassingly but if I could buy a place then I could rely less on the government in the future. If I was allowed to I'd get a duplex and then be able to pay for the mortgage on my own. Not that they are fool proof but it's an option. On the other hand although I'm not paying it and don't have to until I have enough to do so, my years of schooling and my student loan, also count against me. So much for trying to make something of myself. After I finished my undergrad, I was making about $55 000/year to start. I hadn't even started my masters. I would of been easily been able to buy a home, especially if I met that special someone back then and had a combined family income. In the end I am moving to my dad's farm so I can help my Dad and step Mom. Not the easiest move for a 30 year old and her bf but at least it will be a lower rent and hopefully help everyone across the board.

I'd be super happy with a shack that would fit all my art and photography stuff along with my bf's upholstery. Ideally it would fit my massive immediate family for an event or two. Otherwise I wouldn't care about the size either.

A pretty amazing "shack" although it's boarded up on the other side and is actually an old mill.

FOOD

I hate having to watch everything I put into my cart. Getting groceries is hard enough when standing and leaving the house is hard. THANK GOD for carts that you can lean on. Having to worry if I have enough money to eat even with the special diet supplement, is so unimaginably hard. I've been doing it for a long time with all the schooling I went through and was looking for a reprieve. I also need to have so many ready made/ quick meals so that I can literally eat until my bf comes home from work and can make me dinner. They aren't cheap. 

SOCIAL LIFE & FRIENDS

Getting anywhere and doing anything, cost money. I don't see friends very often. It's hard. I've been so grateful to my friends whom have come to me to visit. I honestly try to do everything I am ever invited to but it takes it's toll. I want to be able to do more. I want to see the world. I want to go to the movies. I want to go to a hockey game. I want to travel. I want to go to my friend's weddings and not feel so stressed about it and have to work miracles to do it. This year I will be going to my friend's wedding in Mexico and will be a bridesmaid and do some photography for her. I had to ask for the money for my 30th birthday from my millions of family members. It was embarrassing and was pretty much the extent of my gifts but it worked, for the most part. I want to not have to jump through a million hoops to make a life. My family threw me a surprise birthday party and 2 of my friends and their significant others showed up of over 30 that were invited. My bf missed telling about a couple important ones that definitely would of showed but that happens, I guess. It was so embarrassing and upsetting. I was also an hour late bc I was sick and I was cleaning bc I thought people were coming over after, oh and my bf wasn't watching the time and didn't say about going. So mortifying. Being late with my family isn't too bad but with others is so awful. I know that the ones that were there matter but it's hard to not feel that you are left in the dust of everyone else's lives and you don't matter. Don't get me wrong I have some amazing friends but I really feel alone so often. I wish I had the funds to be the old me when I feel up to it.

MY RELATIONSHIP

It's so hard. We have the usual problems of a relationship and then times it by ten. I was so upset tonight and worried. So completely stressed out. I feel I have right to be in this case but not being able to work and do anything about it makes my emotions amplified. I actually yelled which isn't very me. Constantly relying on someone else is not my forte. I feel bad for my bf. I'm stressed out a lot and we fight a lot. A lot of things are put on him because I simply can't do it. We have such difficult things to deal with, so often. I wish I could contribute and wish I didn't have to push him so often. I feel like if I weren't disabled, our lives and our relationship would be a million times better. I honestly wonder if it will push us over the brink. I wonder this so often. Love only goes so far, unfortunately. You have to be realistic of the logistics. We are different people (I'm a go, go, go, planning, OCD person and he is far beyond chill, it'll just be fine without a plan + don't worry/relax person) and I feel sometimes that he needs someone who works full time and can do more for him, rather than the other way around. With this difficult life we have to plan everything and jump through a million hoops to make anything work. I know I have made his life difficult. I know he has made mine difficult too but what else is one suppose to do when you have so much to deal with. Money is such a huge factor in our every day. I wish it wasn't so. I wish things were different. 

Money can wreck relationships and often does.

 "65 percent of couples argue about money on a regular basis." - manila.com

 "the odds of a marriage ending in divorce due to finances is approximately 45 percent." - manila.com

PURPOSE
This one doesn't entirely boil down to money but essentially it does. For most their job is their purpose. I want to work. I want to be useful. I want to not have to rely on others. I want to be independent. I want to have something I'm good at that pays the bills. I can't figure out anything other than trying to create art and sell it. I tried running a market all summer through the pain. The 3.5 hours each week was so hard to do, especially set up and take down and prep. In the end, I received tons of compliments but didn't even make back the market fee. I also tried doing a consignment but it's so hard to take millions of pictures going back and forth when you are sick and again not too many people bought anything. It was also hard to figure out logistics of delivering which also costs $. My friends were very supportive of giving things and a couple bought a few things and I did have other regulars but it was so few and far between that I made nothing for my efforts. If anyone has any ideas out there, let me know! I can't stand, move around too much, little to no noise, no flashing lights, little concentration as possible, I can't do mornings, I'm unreliable if I'm ill which is often and I may have to leave work if I get sick. The job has to be something that I can do quickly as I don't last long periods of time. What job can I do? What job can I have that brings in a steady mildly decent income?

At the Market, trying.

I'd like to do studio photography from my home (I need space and clients), maybe take photos of real estate homes (as that seems like something I could do quickly and when I have the time) and sell my art. I wish the clothing part of the consignment would work. I just can't figure out how to do these things and make them work. I also can't figure out anything else I can do. At one point I thought I could do tickets at a movie theatre but then I realize that I would be unreliable and the noise might get to me and I can't just leave if I get bad.

A photograph I took of myself at the photography studio in school. I would love to do this at home ... for other people of course.

SCHOOL & MY DEGREE
I want to go back and I want to finish but that scares me. How am I going to pay for it all? Can I really add to my ginormous student loan that consists of 10 years of University? I don't know what to do. I want to feel like the 10 years of hard work was worth something by finishing my masters but I don't know how it will work. I can't even say more than that.


GETTING MARRIED & HAVING BABIES
I would like to do both but I'm not one to do things because I'm "at that age". I want it to be right. That being said, I can't afford it either. My health makes the actuality of having a wedding and taking care of a baby very difficult. I was also diagnosed with pre-cancer of the cervix this year so I have to heal and see if I can conceive. I can't even ponder any of these things without money. I don't have the luxury. I know that a marriage certificate, if I was at that stage, isn't much but I do want a wedding, nothing crazy but some event where I can actually entertain my friends and family, feed them, be able to dance with my husband and have beautiful photographs of the day to cherish in the future. It's hard enough to know that I can't stand at a wedding or dance for more than a few songs. I can not stand and chat in a circle with guests. I will need help with a baby that wants me to stand and bounce around when I am sick. The list goes on forever. There's a lot of things that make life difficult but to not even be given that chance is so hard.

FAMILY
My dad has been in the hospital for over a year with a trip home for 3+ months. He is not well and not expected to make it back home ever. It breaks my heart. I can't imagine my life without him, especially as we have become so much closer over the past few years. I want to spend time with him but it is so hard. He was in a downtown TO hospital and between the ridiculous traffic and gas spent, the high parking fees, the meals at the hospital etc. each visit was a minimum $50. I know I also can't see him that often with my illness and mentally it is hard too but I wish I could do more. He is now in Guelph which is a trek but it is better and I can park for free on the street and try to walk, then switch the car every couple hours. It's much better but still not cheap. My bf's grandmother passed away the other week. He was devastated. He hadn't seen her since he left Australia to be with me. I know that if I was working we could of visited at some point. He felt awful for not calling her or talking as much as he wanted. In the end I met her on skype a couple weeks before she passed, luckily but I feel so guilty too. I have never met any of his friends or family. We just can't afford the half way around the world flight and the 3 weeks, off of work that it would take him, for to have a proper visit, especially as medically I need to have a layover each way to handle it. I wish I could do more.


This is a complete "Debbie Downer" post and I don't want it to be negative. It is my reality though. This is how I feel. It is hard. I just want one aspect of all this craziness to work out. I want to "fix" something. I want to find my place in life. I want to not have to worry 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I know my disorder keeps me up at night but it is amplified a million times by this stress. I can't stop thinking. I want more ...