Sick of Being Sick

I'm in so much pain right now ... Tears steaming down my face from the hurt, the adrenaline overload and the stress. I haven't written in awhile as life had taken over and I find the words hard to explain lately. I didn't sleep last night. I tried working away all weekend to get some basic things done. I'm now having flare ups in all directions, pots, mast cell, eds ... Migraines, seats, nausea, shakes, adrenaline surge, flushing, itching, pain etc.

I'm sick of being sick. My motto of "it's ok not to be ok." doesn't always suffice. There are some days when all you can do is nothing, be useless and wait, wait for some unknown moment to bring you out of the hole if just but for a minute and frankly it feels awful.

This is so hard. I can't imagine that my life would turn out this way. I don't want people's guilt and pity but I really wish they could truly understand. More so I just wish there was something anything I could do to make things better.

I try so hard but the more I try the more difficult I make things because I push my limits to try and do just even one real thing in a day let alone the basics of eating, cleaning, hygiene, laundry ... And I'm failing. I'm also procrastinating as the list of important matters at hand overwhelm me and shut down my ability to function.

I'm getting so stressed and overwhelmed by my misfortune of health that lends to so many other troubles across the board in life.

Bad days are bad. You never get used to always being sick and that feeling of inadequacy but maybe there's some way to learn from it.

I know I will be okay tomorrow and I will pick myself up but right here right now it hurts in every way. If you are going through tough times know at least you aren't alone and it's okay to be real about it. So much emphasis in society is put on hiding the darkness of life and "being positive" along with always showing

Vulnerability and realism is ok. They really are a necessity of life. As Marissa reminded me of one of my favourite insights today from Brené  Brown on her blog "vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change." Here I am quite vulnerable; stuck on the couch (I didn't make it upstairs to bed last night).

I'm here for some reason. I'm in too much pain to proofread. I have to stop sorry. Hope it makes sense.