I Simply Can ...
I didn't think I'd be here at this time in my life and since my "accident" I didn't think I would get to this point. My fall was January 1, 2011. Nearing my 8 year fall anniversary, I am finally starting to feel that I have purpose again. It began when I became a mother but it has blossomed as I find my new norm., my new self. Excuse the cheese but 'tis true. I for years lost myself. I was no longer defined by the person I once was, a young model / architect who loved sports and travel. I was an achiever and then I became nothing. I no longer went to school. I no longer modelled. I was exercise intolerant and had difficulties getting out of bed, let alone flying anywhere. I was often bed bound. I lost my life. I didn't know who I was anymore. I felt no purpose. I felt pain. I was extremely sad. I was jealous. I pitied myself. I felt useless. Without any physical changes to my exterior facade, many did not and still do not understand the instantaneous change that occurred, in my life, with that one fall. The magnitude of the extreme change one simple moment can make in your life is beyond words, even beyond my own comprehension, even after experiencing it.
My journey has been long and arduous but this year, this year is starting to feel a bit different.
I used to fight to find "I Can" topics that showed I could still be a human, a bit of what I felt was the real me. I pushed away the surmounting piles of "I Can Not" and tried to focus on the smallest "I Cans", at times, on my very worst days.
This year has been a transitional year for me. I have, despite my hopes, not written a blog in almost a year. My little girl, isn't so little anymore at the ripe age of 2.5 years old, going soon towards 3 years old, nor am I in any ways "little". As my 35th birthday just passed, I am reflecting a lot on life.
It has taken me months to write this but I felt it important to try to do this. To share with others, that they aren't alone. I also write this to encourage myself.
Wow, life has been hard but I feel hope again. I paused in writing that. The word hard was easy to write, the word hope took some time to honestly surface. I couldn't say I am happy and I can't say life is great but I have a small fire within me burning once again.
This year is "my fight song" year. It's been a battle, such a battle. It's been probably one of the hardest years, since my head injury, aside from maybe the year where I tried to finish my masters while pregnant and opening a store with my former partner, for our business. It's probably been one of the hardest years of my life. This year I have dragged myself forward, facing so many blockades and obstacles but I feel proud I have inched forward.
This year I am tending my metaphorical garden. I am "fixing" my life.
Even when life and your health brings you down, there are little things you can do. My motto this year, has been, it's my responsibility. I can not change my life, I can not force fate but I can take responsibility for it. I can take control.
I hate the saying "be positive" because I feel it neglects reality and suppresses true feelings. To me, it means I have to be fake. If you are down, lay into that feeling and figure out why but pick yourself back up. How can you make your life happier, more towards what you want it to be ... Sometimes, I know, it feels like there's nothing you can do, but everyday you can choose something different.
This year I fought to fully own my own house. My step mother was on 1% of my title and she wanted to be removed years ago but the banks would not let me. Luckily my step mother didn't object and I didn't loose my home, despite making all my payments on time plus extra payments. With a remortgage search banks said ODSP (Ontario Disability Support Program) income, was not income. I would never fully own my own house. I was treated differently because I was disabled. I have worked hard my whole life to get everything I have received but in this case I couldn't do any thing. I couldn't change my health. It's funny, you have to be permanently disabled to get disability support but then banks turn and say, nope, it's not permanent. I wish that were the case. I will forever battle my health, and I hope that it will improve but it will never go away. Those who are in the work force can have similar instability. They can often loose their jobs at any time. It hurt me so much, to feel lesser than. My credit score at present is 849 and was similar at the time. It didn't matter. I battled for many months. I ended up paying a lot of money. I paid money to a mortgage broker to find me a loan. I paid the bank, that gave me a new mortgage, fees for to apply for that mortgage. I agreed to lengthen my term to give the bank more interest. I paid full lawyer fees to remove my step mother's 1% on title. I fought. I sent what seems like hundreds of emails. I sent so many papers, to prove myself. It seemed endless. I was turned down countless times. I also lost out on mortgage life insurance outside of my disability, because of my health. Don't ask me how they can do that as I have no clue. ... I fought and finally I got a new mortgage on my own and a bit of extra money for renovations.
At the end of each battle this year, I often did not feel joy, and sometimes not even relief but I did feel pride. Pride in my persistence and pride in my ability to not give up; to not let others keep me down. I felt pride in owning my life with all its quirks.
This year, I choose to change who I am. If I am feeling down about myself, I will find a way to lift myself up. I will not rely on others and feel anger when they don't follow through but I will learn to accept help. I will not blame anyone else. I will take responsibility. I will try to not feel sorry for myself. I will try. What is the worst that can happen? I will just be in the same position I am in now. I will stop and choose to make the best of those tough days. I will try to take care of myself and I will find my path. I will attack this long life to do list that sits beside me. I will try to do all these things that I have wanted to do. I may not be on the same path and I may have to work my hopes and dreams within the confines of my own reality but why not try to figure out some wild "Rose Plan" that seems crazy and impossible but might just be really amazing. It can't hurt?
My journey has been long and arduous but this year, this year is starting to feel a bit different.
I used to fight to find "I Can" topics that showed I could still be a human, a bit of what I felt was the real me. I pushed away the surmounting piles of "I Can Not" and tried to focus on the smallest "I Cans", at times, on my very worst days.
This year has been a transitional year for me. I have, despite my hopes, not written a blog in almost a year. My little girl, isn't so little anymore at the ripe age of 2.5 years old, going soon towards 3 years old, nor am I in any ways "little". As my 35th birthday just passed, I am reflecting a lot on life.
It has taken me months to write this but I felt it important to try to do this. To share with others, that they aren't alone. I also write this to encourage myself.
Wow, life has been hard but I feel hope again. I paused in writing that. The word hard was easy to write, the word hope took some time to honestly surface. I couldn't say I am happy and I can't say life is great but I have a small fire within me burning once again.
This year is "my fight song" year. It's been a battle, such a battle. It's been probably one of the hardest years, since my head injury, aside from maybe the year where I tried to finish my masters while pregnant and opening a store with my former partner, for our business. It's probably been one of the hardest years of my life. This year I have dragged myself forward, facing so many blockades and obstacles but I feel proud I have inched forward.
This year I am tending my metaphorical garden. I am "fixing" my life.
 |
| Be the Bee ... I may not have tended my literal garden very well this year but here is a dahlia from my garden this summer. |
I hate the saying "be positive" because I feel it neglects reality and suppresses true feelings. To me, it means I have to be fake. If you are down, lay into that feeling and figure out why but pick yourself back up. How can you make your life happier, more towards what you want it to be ... Sometimes, I know, it feels like there's nothing you can do, but everyday you can choose something different.
This year I fought to fully own my own house. My step mother was on 1% of my title and she wanted to be removed years ago but the banks would not let me. Luckily my step mother didn't object and I didn't loose my home, despite making all my payments on time plus extra payments. With a remortgage search banks said ODSP (Ontario Disability Support Program) income, was not income. I would never fully own my own house. I was treated differently because I was disabled. I have worked hard my whole life to get everything I have received but in this case I couldn't do any thing. I couldn't change my health. It's funny, you have to be permanently disabled to get disability support but then banks turn and say, nope, it's not permanent. I wish that were the case. I will forever battle my health, and I hope that it will improve but it will never go away. Those who are in the work force can have similar instability. They can often loose their jobs at any time. It hurt me so much, to feel lesser than. My credit score at present is 849 and was similar at the time. It didn't matter. I battled for many months. I ended up paying a lot of money. I paid money to a mortgage broker to find me a loan. I paid the bank, that gave me a new mortgage, fees for to apply for that mortgage. I agreed to lengthen my term to give the bank more interest. I paid full lawyer fees to remove my step mother's 1% on title. I fought. I sent what seems like hundreds of emails. I sent so many papers, to prove myself. It seemed endless. I was turned down countless times. I also lost out on mortgage life insurance outside of my disability, because of my health. Don't ask me how they can do that as I have no clue. ... I fought and finally I got a new mortgage on my own and a bit of extra money for renovations.
At the end of each battle this year, I often did not feel joy, and sometimes not even relief but I did feel pride. Pride in my persistence and pride in my ability to not give up; to not let others keep me down. I felt pride in owning my life with all its quirks.
This year, I choose to change who I am. If I am feeling down about myself, I will find a way to lift myself up. I will not rely on others and feel anger when they don't follow through but I will learn to accept help. I will not blame anyone else. I will take responsibility. I will try to not feel sorry for myself. I will try. What is the worst that can happen? I will just be in the same position I am in now. I will stop and choose to make the best of those tough days. I will try to take care of myself and I will find my path. I will attack this long life to do list that sits beside me. I will try to do all these things that I have wanted to do. I may not be on the same path and I may have to work my hopes and dreams within the confines of my own reality but why not try to figure out some wild "Rose Plan" that seems crazy and impossible but might just be really amazing. It can't hurt?
“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.” - Theodore Roosevelt ... Although I don't completely agree, I fight the feelings I have of envy for those I see who have what looks to me to be easier lives but I also remind myself, you never know what a person is going through until you walk in their shoes. What I do agree with is that nothing worth doing, is ever easy.
This is my life. I can and I will. |
| One day I dream to be living by the water. It is my happy place where I feel calm and at peace. I miss the summer. |
Comments
Post a Comment