Balance - Chronic Illness, Mental Health, Sadness through to Happiness
Hello All!
I am working on myself right now and it's a struggle. I have had probably a good 2 years of what has felt like the toughest time in my life and I've been through a lot in life in the past, so that statement says a lot. I have even in the good times, not felt truly great because there has been so much stress nagging at me. I do worry, a lot but it has gotten me through in the past. I have not felt suicidal per se but I have felt so sad and overwhelmed with difficulties that I didn't want to go through it anymore. I just wanted to magically skip over large sections of my life towards something better and I did not want to have the burden of trying to cope with it all, 24/7. I was at rock bottom and didn't want to be there.
I even went on a great trip to Mexico for my friend's wedding and had fun but then would be overloaded at night or at some time during each day, when my disorder would impede what I really wanted to do in life and who I want to be or I would think of the struggles at home, especially if my dad was pulling through. I would try to find good times. I found some beauty and joy in the darkness, I would change bad situations to good or just laugh it away but something new would come up to beat me back down.
I have been dealing with so much stress from every facet of my life. I felt I never had a stronghold anywhere in my life. I don't have a best friend aside from my boyfriend nor do I have many close friends and my bf + I have had a lot of difficulties mostly stemming from my health, different priorities and the differences in our personalities. I have been afraid to talk to anyone because I don't want to burden people with my continuous problems. I felt like a broken sad record. So I have kept to myself for the most part, which has made it worse.
I have been dealing with having next to no money, at times not knowing if I could pay my bills and have a roof over my head, no purpose in life, no job, not being able to go to school, not being an architect, such large daily limitations due to my health, pain, hiding my issues/illness from others whenever I could, doing more than I should, not being able to model anymore, not knowing who I am anymore, dealing with my father almost dying over and over again for almost 2 years, looking after my step mother for 6 weeks after her major surgery, dealing with fear of infertility, dealing with knowing I can't afford to get married or have kids, dealing with a house that is falling apart and infested with bats, a massive to do list, trying to co-ordinate everyone else, trying to help everyone else that needs me, fighting to buy a house that is cheaper than rent so I can have a roof over my head, dealing with struggles of home life, dealing with a constant battle with my bf of extreme lows and many break-ups where I honestly didn't think we would make it, feeling alone, feeling unappreciated, feeling useless, feeling like no one really understands me or what I'm going through, dealing with weight gain, feeling fat and ugly, dealing with the welfare system, dealing with courts, dealing with the disability system, dealing with unhappiness and feeling so much responsibility on my shoulders, dealing with the threat of cancer, a procedure and continuous negative follow up results, dealing with +12 different doctors and about 10 different diagnoses of diseases, feeling my body just fall apart after being so healthy and generally (I can't remember the saying) always on call fixing a crisis, day in and day out, to make it through. I can't say there weren't good times and there were, but as much as I tried I couldn't make them last and they weren't outweighing the bad, or even coming close. I have survived my life by working my @*s off, and in trying times I quadrupled the effort, I bring out my stubbornness, to make those worries and problems disappear but it takes everything I have to do so. Trying and being positive just isn't always enough.
I realize I need to let go some and just let life take it's course. I have to rework my life and continue for many years to find a new me. I have to accept imperfection more. I have to accept that I will no longer be the bright, architect model who travels the world, is financially stable, parties hard, has relaxing downtime, goes to tons of music concerts, is adventurous, is a 24hr - go, go, go person, who hangs out with everyone, listens to loud music, is independent and doesn't have to rely on anyone, helps everyone else, puts others first, has a healthy, happy + easy relationship, gets married, has kids and a beautiful home in an ideal location before the age of 30, plays every sport under the sun and is in perfect health ... this is who I was on track to be, who I wanted to be but can't be anymore because I have a chronic illness that changes everything but I won't give it all up. I won't change my ambitions but I will have to alter them and work harder at some. I know I may never physically be the same and life has forever changed. It's hard but I'm going to try to turn around these tough situations and try to give myself the time needed to do so, now that I am not a "superwoman" who can run around like crazy, anymore.
I want to continue to work on a balance of accepting my disorder and dealing with it, while simultaneously fighting it so that I can do more in life and not lay in bed ill every day sad. I want to find a little bit of my old happy self. It's hard but it's the only choice I have and the only one I want to have. Well, maybe I could just miraculously get better and never have bad things come my way again but I am more a realist than an optimist and I know life doesn't work that way. I have to roll with the punches. Most of all I have to accept I can't do things as fast and as well as I used to. My perfectionist ways need to be knocked down.
I feel that you can't force or fake happiness. You can be positive all you want and bad things still happen. For me it's how you pick yourself up after times of sadness and tragedy. You have to deal with the down times or they will eat away at you and come back to haunt you on a bigger scale. It's okay to be not okay. Know that it's human to not always be perfect, positive and happy no matter the severity of your life tribulations. I have been trying to pick myself up for these two years but each time I did, I was pushed down again. Just try to pick yourself up. It became overwhelming and so hard to keep picking myself up but I am grateful for my own stubbornness in trying. I once heard a message on mental health that was lovely, saying something along the lines of, if you are down, try what you can to feel better, you can't feel worse but you could find happiness.
Today I feel good. I feel truly happy. Writing this is bringing me to tears because I have wanted that for so long but haven't been able to force it as much as I've tried. I have really felt better lately, for the last couple weeks this weight has been slowly coming off my shoulders, a lot in part to my bf and I sorting things out between us and in finally getting at some underlying issues, also working hard at my own life and being selfish has helped especially in sorting out some kind of purposeful future but also in part to fate, I believe. My bf has been amazing in turning around in this tough rut we were in and being supportive in trying to get past all this. It's not easy to love someone who has a chronic illness; it is an added difficulty to deal with in a relationship and relationships are hard in themselves. Having him in my corner gives me a foundation to stand on. My bf and I have started changing for the better. I hope the streak continues. We are working together to make better lives for ourselves and for us instead of working against each other. It feels unbelievably great.
I am working more on letting things go and picking my battles, that I need to attack and change. I feel happier, truly. Less trying and talking and more doing. Not everyday will be like this I know but I am on my way to feeling like I have a real life. Pursue your dreams.
Ps I haven't started the new blog on my house renos, yet, but I'm telling myself that's okay, I am slower now and I will still do it and share the link with you here.
I am working on myself right now and it's a struggle. I have had probably a good 2 years of what has felt like the toughest time in my life and I've been through a lot in life in the past, so that statement says a lot. I have even in the good times, not felt truly great because there has been so much stress nagging at me. I do worry, a lot but it has gotten me through in the past. I have not felt suicidal per se but I have felt so sad and overwhelmed with difficulties that I didn't want to go through it anymore. I just wanted to magically skip over large sections of my life towards something better and I did not want to have the burden of trying to cope with it all, 24/7. I was at rock bottom and didn't want to be there.
I even went on a great trip to Mexico for my friend's wedding and had fun but then would be overloaded at night or at some time during each day, when my disorder would impede what I really wanted to do in life and who I want to be or I would think of the struggles at home, especially if my dad was pulling through. I would try to find good times. I found some beauty and joy in the darkness, I would change bad situations to good or just laugh it away but something new would come up to beat me back down.
I have been dealing with so much stress from every facet of my life. I felt I never had a stronghold anywhere in my life. I don't have a best friend aside from my boyfriend nor do I have many close friends and my bf + I have had a lot of difficulties mostly stemming from my health, different priorities and the differences in our personalities. I have been afraid to talk to anyone because I don't want to burden people with my continuous problems. I felt like a broken sad record. So I have kept to myself for the most part, which has made it worse.
I have been dealing with having next to no money, at times not knowing if I could pay my bills and have a roof over my head, no purpose in life, no job, not being able to go to school, not being an architect, such large daily limitations due to my health, pain, hiding my issues/illness from others whenever I could, doing more than I should, not being able to model anymore, not knowing who I am anymore, dealing with my father almost dying over and over again for almost 2 years, looking after my step mother for 6 weeks after her major surgery, dealing with fear of infertility, dealing with knowing I can't afford to get married or have kids, dealing with a house that is falling apart and infested with bats, a massive to do list, trying to co-ordinate everyone else, trying to help everyone else that needs me, fighting to buy a house that is cheaper than rent so I can have a roof over my head, dealing with struggles of home life, dealing with a constant battle with my bf of extreme lows and many break-ups where I honestly didn't think we would make it, feeling alone, feeling unappreciated, feeling useless, feeling like no one really understands me or what I'm going through, dealing with weight gain, feeling fat and ugly, dealing with the welfare system, dealing with courts, dealing with the disability system, dealing with unhappiness and feeling so much responsibility on my shoulders, dealing with the threat of cancer, a procedure and continuous negative follow up results, dealing with +12 different doctors and about 10 different diagnoses of diseases, feeling my body just fall apart after being so healthy and generally (I can't remember the saying) always on call fixing a crisis, day in and day out, to make it through. I can't say there weren't good times and there were, but as much as I tried I couldn't make them last and they weren't outweighing the bad, or even coming close. I have survived my life by working my @*s off, and in trying times I quadrupled the effort, I bring out my stubbornness, to make those worries and problems disappear but it takes everything I have to do so. Trying and being positive just isn't always enough.
I realize I need to let go some and just let life take it's course. I have to rework my life and continue for many years to find a new me. I have to accept imperfection more. I have to accept that I will no longer be the bright, architect model who travels the world, is financially stable, parties hard, has relaxing downtime, goes to tons of music concerts, is adventurous, is a 24hr - go, go, go person, who hangs out with everyone, listens to loud music, is independent and doesn't have to rely on anyone, helps everyone else, puts others first, has a healthy, happy + easy relationship, gets married, has kids and a beautiful home in an ideal location before the age of 30, plays every sport under the sun and is in perfect health ... this is who I was on track to be, who I wanted to be but can't be anymore because I have a chronic illness that changes everything but I won't give it all up. I won't change my ambitions but I will have to alter them and work harder at some. I know I may never physically be the same and life has forever changed. It's hard but I'm going to try to turn around these tough situations and try to give myself the time needed to do so, now that I am not a "superwoman" who can run around like crazy, anymore.
I want to continue to work on a balance of accepting my disorder and dealing with it, while simultaneously fighting it so that I can do more in life and not lay in bed ill every day sad. I want to find a little bit of my old happy self. It's hard but it's the only choice I have and the only one I want to have. Well, maybe I could just miraculously get better and never have bad things come my way again but I am more a realist than an optimist and I know life doesn't work that way. I have to roll with the punches. Most of all I have to accept I can't do things as fast and as well as I used to. My perfectionist ways need to be knocked down.
I feel that you can't force or fake happiness. You can be positive all you want and bad things still happen. For me it's how you pick yourself up after times of sadness and tragedy. You have to deal with the down times or they will eat away at you and come back to haunt you on a bigger scale. It's okay to be not okay. Know that it's human to not always be perfect, positive and happy no matter the severity of your life tribulations. I have been trying to pick myself up for these two years but each time I did, I was pushed down again. Just try to pick yourself up. It became overwhelming and so hard to keep picking myself up but I am grateful for my own stubbornness in trying. I once heard a message on mental health that was lovely, saying something along the lines of, if you are down, try what you can to feel better, you can't feel worse but you could find happiness.
Today I feel good. I feel truly happy. Writing this is bringing me to tears because I have wanted that for so long but haven't been able to force it as much as I've tried. I have really felt better lately, for the last couple weeks this weight has been slowly coming off my shoulders, a lot in part to my bf and I sorting things out between us and in finally getting at some underlying issues, also working hard at my own life and being selfish has helped especially in sorting out some kind of purposeful future but also in part to fate, I believe. My bf has been amazing in turning around in this tough rut we were in and being supportive in trying to get past all this. It's not easy to love someone who has a chronic illness; it is an added difficulty to deal with in a relationship and relationships are hard in themselves. Having him in my corner gives me a foundation to stand on. My bf and I have started changing for the better. I hope the streak continues. We are working together to make better lives for ourselves and for us instead of working against each other. It feels unbelievably great.
I am working more on letting things go and picking my battles, that I need to attack and change. I feel happier, truly. Less trying and talking and more doing. Not everyday will be like this I know but I am on my way to feeling like I have a real life. Pursue your dreams.
Ps I haven't started the new blog on my house renos, yet, but I'm telling myself that's okay, I am slower now and I will still do it and share the link with you here.
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