Finding Happiness in Extreme Sadness

This seems so cheesy to say but it's the way I've found I need to live. I am finding happiness. As many say you can't force happiness but I've found a small way to feel a bit of happiness each day.

I've had an extremely rough year/two years. This disability is obviously a big factor in that. I've been ill to the point of disability for 4 years and almost 2 months. It seems every other facet of my life is also very unstable. I'm lucky to always have my family but they have a pile of their own problems and ailments. I don't know but maybe all that has happened and keeps happening has made me fall into a depression. I feel like I really try to be a positive person but how can you when so many bad things happen. I'm constantly worried each and every day; every minute it seems at times.

I despise the phrase "Just be positive." and then all will be well in your world. It is like saying to someone "don't worry" when something awful is eminent.  It's up there with "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

I really feel just being positive doesn't work. You can not will things to be good. Believe me I have tried. Just forcing positivity that you aren't feeling it, for me, masks the true grief and the heart ache. You need to go through the bad to get to the good. You have to recognize the difficulties and not hide from them. You have to feel the pain, work through it and move on. Truthfully too you can't always move on and some pain will always be there. This all being said I think looking on the bright side of fortune or circumstance is the best way to get through it. Being more negative or angry about a situation only makes it worse for yourself and others.

One time I was very upset after an extreme life alternating situation and I was struggling to find the good in others and a light at the end of the tunnel. I was honest and opened up my heart to a few close to me. I was told to stop going on about my life negatively, just be positive and my life will be positive and good things will happen to me. I don't often lose it but I did. I'm allowed to hurt. I'm allowed to be sad. I'm allowed to take time to grieve but I was struggling to find the life at the end of the tunnel then but I never once said I didn't want to try. This is how I've always been my whole life. I'm a fighter.

So, what to do now ... I'm sad, stressed, dealing with a crisis and/or in pain a lot of the time due to not being able to leave my house much, extreme financial distress, being ill, new medical problems,  family members being ill or having life problems, a slew of unfortunate incidents, having relationship troubles and regularly alongside all this the big not being able to live my life the way I want and no way to change it. I've never had such prolonged sadness and such an onslaught of life kicking my butt and this is the first time I encountered a situation that I couldn't just move on from or work at. I'm disabled and my condition is permanent.  Hopefully I will improve but I will always have these disorders. I just need to find something in life; some foundation of solid goodness to hold onto on a daily basis.

My grateful  thoughts journal with is silly cover

I need some joy in my life. I've tried many things. In the past I tried a grateful journal with my bf at the time. It was started because we were having issues and we needed to give each other some joy each day. We were to write down the things we were grateful for about each other each day and add in whatever else in our lives that we were happy for that day. It didn't work because I felt I had to force the hand of my bf to do it, even though we both agreed it was good. The more I forced his hand aka just said about doing it and getting a huff or an eye roll or a can we do it tomorrow I'm tired, the more I got angry, then he got angry and the more he retreated. The more this happened, the more I pushed because we were worse off and we needed it more. He also couldn't come up with things that he was grateful for that pertained to me at times which hurt me and we fought. I know it wasn't personal about me and rather a downfall of his but it hurt nonetheless and I let him know it hurt. It became a sore spot in our relationship when it should of been a source of goodness. I stepped away from grateful reflection because it brought up these bad memories.

I'm going back to this gratefulness now on my own. Two days ago I started posting on my instagram site a photo a day that depicts something in my life that day that makes me feel unadulterated happiness.

https://instagram.com/rosiettalin or simply @rosiettalin

The first two days, I without thinking posted images in my photos. Today on day three I'm having a tough morning so I kept thinking what am I going to post. I've found myself searching all day for happiness.

Day 1 of happiness on instagram

Looking for the good in my life and trying to overlook the bad which really has helped today. I'm sure I can find one thing each day. I'm not going to "just" be positive. I'm going to find the happiness and positive in my life. Even if this happiness is just a fleeting moment in my day, I will hold onto it and immortalize it in a photograph and reflection. There may be a million negative things that happen to me that day but I will find joy and  true happiness in that one moment. This shall be my new foundation of solidarity and happiness that no one can take away from me.

Day 2 of happy posts on instagram