Invisible lllness

This is so hard. I don't think one can understand chronic invisible illness unless they deal with it.

Having something that no one can see is so hard.

The other day I was in a coffee shop and this guy came in, in a wheel chair and he made a joke about how he came with his own seat. I wanted to yell out to the whole coffee shop and especially to him that I am disabled too. Before leaving the cafe I checked my blood pressure under the table and it ended up a bit high in the yellow zone which happens with the "hyper" part of my pots. I secretly hoped the guy in the wheelchair would see me checking and wonder what is wrong with me too. I wish people could see what is wrong with me and understand it. Even when they just see the symptoms they don't get it because it isn't in front of their eyes and quite frankly my disorders are confusing and complex. It isn't like cancer. It isn't well known and you don't get very much sympathy or understanding from others. Many have others in their lives and even doctors who don't believe they are sick because they don't know about the illness (es). It's sad. I assume that others with chronic invisible illnesses feel the same way. You want to be seen and heard.

On the other hand when someone catches me making a sick pain face that I didn't manage to hide or I have "an episode" in front of someone I am embarrassed. I am also too embarrassed to get a seated walker that I probably should have because I don't want any one to stare, wonder and feel sorry for me. I want to be normal but I'm not. I wanted to crawl into a hole the other week when I spent two days with my sister and one day I ended up puking out the car door and the next day had such low blood pressure I was in almost a coma state and she had to physically readjust me as my head and body kept sliding down into the window frame behind the bed. I was in bed most of that day and she had to bring me salty food and drinks. In the end I just passed out for hours anyways but I tried to fight it. I just saw in her eyes that she felt sorry for me and I hate for someone to see  that I am not the old super independent, strong, healthy Rose. I hate having anyone help me. I hated being imperfect against my own will and desires. So on the flip side I don't want pity and wish that no one sees that I am different.

Having an invisible illness is so hard.

It is easier when I just show and talk about how things really are here; through an invisible protection shield called the internet.

My heart goes out to all you invisible illness sufferers. How do you feel about your illness being invisible? How do you deal with it?

Here's the real me today. Such in bed at 2:45pm, not getting any thesis work done. :(