Bad Memory, MRI, Letting Go and Changing

I spent the weekend with my father whom was recently released from the hospital after almost 3 months. We weren't sure if he was going to make it for awhile and it has definitely added to the stress. I am just so happy that he is alive that right now that is all that matters to me. It was hard to see him this weekend though as he hasn't been able to keep food in. For a man that loves food, to see him not want to eat a thing is very hard. He is in a wheelchair now but put on a show for us at one point with his walker. I'm hoping that he will be able to revert more to the walker than to the wheelchair. Here's hoping. I'm so proud of how far he's come although I know he still has a ways to go. I know it is very tough for him and his wife right now. I hope that they work through it soon as I know they do not need any more stress. It was hard for me to see their struggles. It makes me think of what my bf and I are going through. I know it is hard for him to look after me when I'm ill both emotionally and physically. I wish I could do more and be more. I know it is taking a large toll on our relationship. I wish I could make it all better. Hopefully we can find a way to be happy.

We went up on Saturday to get our car fixed near dads' as the transmission was acting up and it's the only mechanic we seem to be able to trust lately. We had a lovely movie watching, wine drinking, hot tub night on friday and ended up getting out at 3:45am to both of our surprises. Thus we got little to no sleep before the hour long drive to our mechanics appointment. I thus felt ill. It was a rough weekend. My step Mom was talking of my dad's MRI and I said, oh yes, I have one coming up too. Then it hit me. Darn it, I think mine is tomorrow morning. All the sheets were back at our house and we had packed up to stay the night and watch the superbowl with Dad on Sunday. Crap. I called and I was right 9am Sunday morning in K/W. I just can't stand this crappy memory I have. The worst is my speech. I try so hard to speak but the words that are in my head won't come out. They call it "brain fog" for my disorder. IT SUCKS. The example I tend to use to explain to people is how one time I had to describe this to my bf "It's the stuff that falls from the sky in winter and it's white and cold" ... "Snow?" ... "Yes, that's it.". Geez, I feel so stupid sometimes. Who forgets about an MRI too. I check my calendar everyday. I dunno. I just feel like I'm not as smart as I once was, which is devastating.

So at 6:30 am my alarm did not go off or rather I had the volume off and forgot to check it but I heard my dad holler from downstairs at 6:40am. They saved me for the second time in terms of getting to my MRI. Then we go out to the car and of course we tried starting the car and it wouldn't work. We cleaned off the car and it still wouldn't work. The battery just didn't like the cold. Guess we need a new one of those. So in the end we had to borrow my Step Mom's car. Lucky number 3 on helping us out. I wish we had a vehicle like that. It was lovely. I really wish we were able to have two vehicles and then I wouldn't be stuck here at home all the time. Getting up in the morning to drive my bf to work is soooo hard. I feel the most ill in the morning and it wastes a lot of gas aka money, not to mention I have to be back to pick him up and can't spend the day doing something. It's a constant juggling act for us. I hope with some miracle that we might be able to get a second vehicle, one that is big enough for my bf to start loading supplies and pieces of his furniture in.

Ice on the inside of the vehicle after scrapping of the window

Snow inside the vehicle from having to scrape the inside of the window. 

Me with my funny frozen hair.

The sun came up as we cleaned off the second vehicle.

This was about 20 minutes into our drive. Yep -20 degrees C.  outside.

The drive to my appointment was unbelievably beautiful. All the trees were icicles and were reflecting like sparkles as they started to melt from the suns heat. I wish I had my dslr with me and that I didn't have to go to the hospital. I couldn't stop taking iphone photos.

My dad's road as the sun comes up.

Icicles on the Trees

The sun on the trees.

Arriving into K/W

My MRI was good and bad. I prepared myself for the usual pain and discomfort. I didn't get an IV contrast that day, so that was good. They lowered the amount of scans I needed and they have a new head brace that has extra scanning devices on it so all of this lower my time from the usual 45min. - 1hr. to a 15 to 20min scan. Yippppeee. It is still so painful. I just feel so nauseous, dizzy and all over the place afterwords. The noise is just so awful. The last scan was the worst. This loud intermittent beeping just teared through my head.  Literally it is sharp pains and pulsating through my head. I sat there waiting for each blow to come. MRI's aren't suppose to hurt but there's no way that I was imagining this pain and I have no issue with that machine and claustrophobia as well as no issues laying down. I think I will have to check with the doctor on why this happens to me. Looking online maybe I have a problem with noises now, since I hit my head. Maybe I should get that tested. I really wouldn't be surprised on that one. Anything loud hurts.

My hot MRI outfit.

Me after the MRI. I feel super ill.

Light is the worst.

I was happy to be able to see my cousin and her family on the way home from the MRI, have a sweet breaky at Marjs, to spend time with my Dad and his wife, the beauty of that Sunday morning and for the lovely mennonite boy who brought us a battery as a good Samaritan act on a day when they are not to work. Thankfully the car is working again (fingers crossed).

The peameal, egg and hash melt with cheese onion and tomatoes alongside homemade bread. YUM!

Our drive home Sunday night after the game was treacherous. My bf went very slow and it took us almost 2hrs. Tons of people passed us but I was happy my bf was being safe and taking his time even if we were both unbelievably exhausted. We arrived home at about 1:15am but we arrived home.

The only pic I could get of the weather was in town as everything else was so dark.

I'm having a very hard time right now I feel in every aspect of my life. Things are just a mess. I know right now my life this year will change a lot. It needs to change. I need to let go of who I was, who were my friends and who I was as a person and maybe even my profession. There's a lot to figure out. Today I decided to start to try and let go of people who weren't very nice to me in my life. I have always followed the rule "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." so I go out of my way to be nice to people when I can but I realize I think I go out of my way to be nice to some people and they just don't care or "step on me" so to speak. I really can't spare the time or energy with this disorder. I think I need to just let go of all of this. I can't be friends with everyone. I can't expect them to all be friends with me. I need to make better priorities in my life and also get rid of those who lie to me, who aren't open and honest, who can't ever apologize and make amends, who can't see past stupid social rules, who don't include me in their lives, their celebrations, joys and sorrows and those who aren't there for me in my celebrations, joys and sorrows. I'm hoping to find another friend with POTS, who might be able to more fully understand me and see my struggles without me having to say anything. One who will be supportive and listen to the hard times but also realistically positive about getting better. I think I put too much onto my bf as he's the only person I really see or talk to regularly. I'm afraid though it's too much for his shoulders to bear. I feel too embarrassed to really bare my true thoughts to other people and also don't seem to have the opportunities to do so. I want to be honest but I don't want anyone to think of me as negative or a downer. Believe me, if there were good things happening I would be saying about that too.

On another note, we had no water in our bathroom and kitchen sink again, from the weekend till last night. Our landlord will be coming by on Friday to rip open our walls and insulate them. I wish I had a place to go to hide from the noise I know will come with it. At least we will not have to hopefully deal with lack of water or hot water again from frozen pipes. YAY to that.

Although I feel down and out, I'm of stubborn Irish farmer decent, I'm not giving up and I just have to make things better. So I'm still trying. My word of the year is "Try".

Good news is that I worked out yesterday for 40 minutes on the bike. I feel stronger although I'm gaining weight again. Here's hoping it's muscle and some of this fat that I've gained will start to fall off. Today I'm so unbelievably nauseous. I just can't even explain this to anyone properly. I'm writing this all in a daze because I know the thoughts in my head lately have been too much and I need to get some out. I really could write 10 posts today on different topics if I was feeling better. I hope by late afternoon I will be able to get on that bike again and work some of this tension off and improve my condition. I don't want to get worse.

I'm on the phone with CPP disability now, still on hold, it doesn't look good. I've been on and off talking with them today. I can't seem to find my words and my questions don't make sense and are garbled. Of all time for my brain fog to kick in, it had to be now. It seems when I concentrate the most and try to say something that matters I can't. I think that this CPP and disability in general will be a whole new topic. Wish me some luck in this respect please. This area is probably the most difficult aspect of my life, after health right now, and adversely effects my health as I can not afford the supplies and things I could try to make things better. Most items to help POTS symptoms are trial and error.